At the moment I’m currently up to week 8 of my 14 week Social Work placement and I’m feeling pretty stressed. The first few weeks I was shadowing other workers a lot and just trying to to absorb as much information as possible.
As the weeks have gone on I have picked up my own case load and I am feeling the pressure of trying to do the best for the clients I am working with, learn at I go and as show my agency that I am professional and competent.
In this time I also made the decision to move back into mum and dads. It was an extremely tough decision but I felt awful that I had changed my mind on the new housemate, and decided that moving out was the right thing to do.
It hasn’t been the best living back at home but it hasn’t been the worst either.
Pros: walking with mum each day after placement, being able to run at night without feeling vulnerable like I did at my old house, not having to pay for utilities, helping mum cook dinner and taking the pressure off her with other household chores, having my own space, no noise from construction or school children over the road
Cons: spending a lot of my time doing chores and cleaning because mum finds it difficult and dad expects it from me (even though I’m at placement full time and work weekends), arguments with dad, missing my old housemate, my boyfriend not being ‘allowed’ to sleepover (sigh I’m almost 25) and losing that independence I had (not having to answer my parents about where I’m going, what I’m doing, who I’m going with etc).
The past week has been particularly difficult after my parents had a huge fight on Tuesday and I had to leave to avoid being drawn into it all.
Feeling anxious and sick about the prospect of returning home was the main reason I left in the first place. Being faced with that same problem after years without it was excruciating. There is nothing more embarrassing and unsettling than feeling like you have no where to go home to and having to ask permission to impede on someone else’s living space.
Adding to this, by physically removing myself from the situation I still couldn’t escape it. For those 5 days I received text messages and phone calls day in day out from both my parents trying to give their sides and gain my validation. I had to take a sick day at placement and spent the whole day on the couch watching shameless to distract myself.
I’m lucky that I could stay with my boyfriend and his amazing family who always make me feel welcome and secure. Moments like these do however, re-motivate me to tighten my spending so I can get out of here and buy my own home, my own sanctuary.
“Sanctuary is a word which here means a small safe place in a troubling world. Like an oasis in a vast desert or an island in a stormy sea.”
Today I went to Camberwell Market and bought some flowers and some books and then I had the most amazing breakfast – gingerbread french toast – which was more of a dessert than a breakfast but hey – isn’t that what Sunday is for?
I’m trying to go into this week with a positive attitude and I’m really focused on having a week of life admin to make me feel more at ease. I’m running 6km next weekend so I also need to put all I have into my last week of training.
Despite the past week being pretty dreadful, not once did I feel the urge to drink alcohol as form of coping. At one point I thought about the act of drinking, to numb my feelings and instantly thought about how much I would regret it the next day and how many more problems it would cause. I am so proud of myself for coming this far and making this change.
Thanks for reading x